You make up your own RULES

I felt so loved as a child  by my mother.  I also felt I was allowed to be an individual, which gave me the ability to find the strength to live without her at a very young age.  Every child should grow up with parents that support, love, and guide them.  My life’s lesson was to learn how to succeed without that guidance.  My success came from what my parents weren’t able to give me.  In the beginning I was angry, hurt, and confused with why she was unable to raise me.  After age 12, I would never feel her touch, or see her smile of joy again.  And year after year of this separation is where my spiritual work began.  I had to work through the feelings of a child that had been abandoned.  And re-write my story over and over, until I was able to live with that reality.  I chose to learn how to be happy, and healthy.  That decision gave me the tools I needed to heal my past.  I had to learn that I could trust outside of my family dynamics.  I let go of the feeling that my past was a dirty secret I had to keep hidden

Brave enough to be FREE

Processed with VSCOcam with p8 preset

The funny thing about the past is, that you never know when its going to kick you on your ass. When you are a child that as been abused either mentally, physically or sexually, triggers and reminders of that abuse can appear in the most subtle ways – a touch, thought or truth you might not have known. In my case it always comes from Truth. I was too young to know about how sick my mother really was, and now my truth is that everyone knew and didn’t do anything to protect me. This is the sad part of my truth I have to let go, to fully free myself from what I had no control over at the time. I know there were kind people that in the past helped as much as they could, but I should not have been the only one dealing with my mother by myself. Maybe it was because it was the 70’s and people just minded their own business or they were to afraid to tell themselves how sick she really was. But no one talked to me about it or tried to get me out of the situation. The real truth of the matter, when she decided to get rid of me and concocted a story that I was out of control or I need to be put away, my family let her do whatever she wanted… And for years I thought I was the only one who knew how sick she was and I started to believe I was the one with the problem…

Continue reading

How to release Guilt!


I find myself sitting with guilt while I am in the process of telling my truth.This kind of guilt I am feeling is so guarded and hidden internally, at times it’s hard to even know it is guilt. And I have to ask myself, how is this truly serving my life? Over the years of doing the work of letting go of my past with my parents, I have forgiven them for the choices they have made of not being responsible for raising me. They also showed me at a very young age what it looks like to give up on your hopes and dreams. Sharing my story and honoring my process has made it hard for me to ignore the truth, which is if I have fully forgiven them and have let it go, then why am I afraid to shine in my own light? Are we not supposed to surpass our parent’s journey in our own glorious way?
Yes, my growth is different than being the first one to go to college or become a doctor. My journey is to be a storyteller and my story is my life. One way or another I have been protecting my mother & father from their own journey of truth. If I have forgiven them, then why am I still protecting them from what they should have been responsible for? I have to remind myself that I am made of love, hope, compassion and forgiveness. There is fire in my belly and I am a truth seeker! I might have to scream it from the mountain top or write it on my bathroom mirror for those moments I forget…